We’re currently between placements, and there’s been a large chunk of this time that’s been devoted to waiting (either where we’ve been accepted for a placement and it’s fallen through or we’ve expressed interest and it went to someone else). After spending a long day of uncertainty on whether or not one or more children will be joining us, I find my brain sluggish and my thoughts empty. I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why the wait is so completely draining. The answer is wrapped up tightly in the tension of God’s will.
I look at each potential placement as a possibility of God’s will. His hand could be in the details, arranging for our lives to intersect with the children who will join our family for a time. With each call we express interest in, I can’t help but envision what God might be bringing with the addition of that child.
In the past three weeks, we’ve had the potential for our lives to take many different forms. We almost had a house filled with 3 small boys, a new rough and tumble existence and experiment in getting along. We could have gone back to the newborn days of sleepless nights and bottles. And we could have opened the door to a plethora of new issues from sensory processing disorder to physical disability. Each fork in the road has me praying for God’s will for the child(ren), considering what’s best for our family, and internally preparing myself for the changes to come.
In other areas of life, it is very clear what God’s will is. When I’d really like to shove that insult into a slingshot and let it fly, God’s will is apparent. When the Holy Spirit stirs my soul to action, God’s will couldn’t be clearer. With this, God’s will was most clearly shown to us in the beginning when we said yes to starting this journey. He also gave us the wisdom of godly counsel to help us identify healthy boundaries for placements we’ll accept, and He’s been working on me to end my career and open myself to new possibilities. The difficulty now comes in understanding God’s will when we get a placement call.
There have been a couple times when a call has come in and I feel right away it’s a no. This has always been when it fell outside the parameters we’ve already laid out. The ones we’ve expressed interest in have all seemed like real possibilities. As far as I knew, any one of them could have been God’s will, and that’s the tough part. These glimpses into many different possible courses for our family is surreal and overwhelming. I can’t see into the future. I don’t assume to know what God has up his sleeves. All I can do is pray for the child, for his will to be done, and prepare myself as best as I can.
I picture a cliff overlooking a grand view of a winding valley. You’re standing on the edge just waiting for the Lord to pull you back in or give you the green light to jump, and it’s tiring. You get worn out standing in the jumping position. Your mind both imagines the free fall and the walk back down the embankment. It’s the tension of “Yeah, I’ll do it” and “So… what do you want me to while I’m up here? Should I be picking some flowers or something?”