There is a Fatality

“But there is a fatality, a feeling so irresistible and inevitable that it has the force of doom, which almost invariably compels human beings to linger around and haunt, ghost-like, the spot where some great and marked event has given the colour to their lifetime; and, still the more irresistibly, the darker the tinge that saddens it.”

― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Being a foster parent is having your heart break over. And over. And over again. Into smaller pieces than you ever thought mathematically possible. Somehow it doesn’t let up. It doesn’t cease. The hits keep coming, and the yoke is heavy.

I have a social media friend who’s all about the power of positive thinking. She tosses positive energy grenades like she just enlisted in the Good Vibes Brigade. Wait. I can follow that up with a worse analogy. [Cracks knuckles, clears throat] She just found herself trapped in the movie Trolls fighting Bergens with a concerning amount of relentless optimism. Yup, that was worse… and shout out to all the parents who know what I’m talking about.

I was thinking about this ray of sunshine and wondered if maybe all my problems would fade into nonexistence if I blasted them with positivity. Would I be better liked by others? Maybe. Something, something about catching more flies with honey. Or maybe I’ll like myself better. Or. Or perhaps it’ll thaw the frosted corners of my hyperborean heart. Who knows? The promised payoffs of positive thinking are boundless and life changing.

As I contemplated all of this, I looked over to the kids who were giggling maniacally as they threw my battered pillows onto the floor and launched off the back of the couch on top of them. They were having the time of their lives, not realizing that our days together are numbered. The sinking feeling set in. I don’t want them to hurt. I don’t want to hurt. What’s best for the kids. What’s best for the kids. What’s best for the kids?

To buy into positive energy conquering all evils ignores the valleys we walk through in life. We can’t get away from the tough parts. We can’t close our eyes tight enough to blind ourselves from the hurt. Some things are just a raw deal and no amount of positive reframing can instantaneously heal the blows fostering levies.

Fostering does something to you. It changes you. I took a personality test before becoming a foster parent. My results reflected a deep seated idealism, a belief that through humanitarian efforts and compassion I could change the world around me. I took the same test recently with much different results. My idealism had taken a nose dive into a cynical and jaded pessimism.

I’m not saying it’s all hopeless. Deep gratitude in the midst of hardship goes a long way. There are many good days… many blissful and carefree moments I treasure immensely. What I am saying is that in foster care, love knows no security. I can think of no other situation where we’re told to love without limits but also to guard our hearts. It’s inside that paradox that the emotional breaking begins. Your heart can only wander so far without being checked and brought down to reality. And that’s a very difficult way to live. Not only for myself but for everyone involved.