Pregnancy and Fostering

I’m super pregnant and fostering.  Super pregnant as in 3rd trimester, more beached whale than human, crying over David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” as I’m suddenly hit with the realization it’s the most profoundly tragic song ever to be aired on the radio. Yesterday I ate cake for breakfast (it was my birthday, don’t judge).  I was so miserably sick for hours afterward that I had to go lie down and sleep it off.  Even with that lesson learned less than 24 hours ago, I almost did it again this morning.

My pregnant self can’t be trusted.  My mush brain can’t be trusted to remember anything I’ve agreed to do- literally in one ear and out the other.  I can’t trust myself to sit down on the couch and not fall asleep.  I can’t even count on my taste buds to function as an adult (I’ll just say this, apples smothered in buffalo sauce isn’t terrible…).

Needless to say, fostering and pregnancy is a unique experience.  Some of it is a surreal breath of fresh air.  I’m having a child who gets to stay forever- no caseworkers, no paperwork, no uncertainty.  He is all mine.  I get to choose a name for him.  I have 9 months of warning to prepare for him.  I don’t have to worry about withdrawals or wonder if there’s a potential for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  All those things you take for granted when having a new baby feel too good to be true.  My son.  My permanent, forever son.

Most of my day is full of undiluted joy and gratefulness, but there are also unique challenges to fostering while expecting.  From what I’ve dealt with so far, here are my tips to surviving foster care while pregnant:

1.  Hire it out.  If you’re puking between every other sentence or too tired and forgetful to function, don’t be afraid to hire out.  It won’t last forever, but until you’re over the morning sickness and fatigue, you have to survive somehow.  It’s 100% worth it to have someone come out once a week to clean or lean on your husband a little more during this time in order to keep your sanity.

2. Make freezer meals.  I started down the freezer meal road when our fridge went out recently, but I’ve quickly come to realize how handy it is, and now it’s on my to-do list before the baby arrives.

3. Use respite and take some one-on-one time with your spouse.  We used respite to go on a much-needed babymoon.  It was hands down one of the best decisions we’ve made in a long time.  I think it’s hard for foster parents to get out from under the “I have to have at least a dozen kids at all times and a full week of appointments or I’m not living to my full potential” mentality.  We voluntarily shovel a lot onto our plates and just deal with the stress.  But everyone deserves a break and adult interaction sometimes… especially when that will be in short supply after the baby comes.

4. Avoid taking new placements.  Now is not the time for grand, life-altering decisions. I would either avoid taking placements altogether or be very strict in what behaviors, ages, and histories you’ll accept.  It’s not a good time to experiment with Oppositional Defiance Disorder or say yes to a child you’re not comfortable having around a newborn.  Pretty much the only placement I would consider while pregnant is another baby because that’s what stage of life we’re in, it’s the closest we can get to maintaining birth order, and it doesn’t pose a threat or undue amounts of stress to myself or my belly baby.

5. Enjoy it.  When do we ever get a chance to prepare 9 months for a new child?  Enjoy this time of preparation.  Take naps.  Start a checklist of all the things you’d like to do baby-free.  Having this much notice can be an incredible gift to get things done and live life to the fullest!