Stop Withholding Gifts from Your Foster Kids

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I wanted to do a short post today in response to questions I’ve been hearing about how to handle Christmas presents for foster children.  I’ve seen several posts on social media where foster families believe in keeping things minimal for their biological children but don’t know what to do when their foster children receive loads of presents from the agency, The Giving Tree, or their biological parents.  Do they refuse the gifts?  Put them away until the kids reunify?  Send them back with the parents at the next visit?  And what if a child moves or reunifies right before Christmas?  Do you send the gifts with the child even if they won’t be maintained or if you suspect the parents will sell the gifts instead of letting the kids play with them?  Or do you keep the gifts in case you have a new placement arriving on Christmas?

First of all, I would encourage foster parents to look at the big picture.  When I’m faced with a tough decision involving my foster children, I try to imagine how my decision will make them feel 5 or 10 years later when they look back on their time in care.  From a foster parent’s perspective, it may seem unfair to your biological children that your fosters have piles of presents, and it may feel like the values or traditions you worked so hard to establish with your family are being compromised to accommodate them.

But pause.

Put yourself in your foster children’s shoes.  What message are you sending if you withhold gifts meant for them because you don’t want to deal with toys cluttering their room or your own children’s hurt feelings?  Years from now, will they thank you because you stuck to your family’s traditions and sent back gifts you felt were superfluous?  Chances are, they won’t look back and reminisce on how grateful they feel.  No matter how well-intentioned you are, consider whether or not your most well-intentioned actions will be lost in translation.

Stop making executive decisions based on how it’ll inconvenience you, and start making choices based on how it can benefit and support your fosters.  The holidays are hard for kids in care.  How can you make this Christmas a positive experience that will stand out for years to come?

Many of these kids have had things taken from them time and time again.  How can you press the reset button on the expectation that this Christmas will be no different, that being in your home will be no different?

Does it matter if your foster child will be with another family on Christmas?  No, if you bought gifts for them, give them their gifts.  Does it matter if your foster child will appreciate all the money you spent?  No, giving shouldn’t have strings attached.  Does it matter if your foster child will treat the gift with care?  No, if your moody teenage foster son wants to burn the nice present you got in the backyard, so be it.  He won’t get as much long-term enjoyment out of it, but that’s his choice.  Next year buy him fireworks instead of an iPod.

If they were your children in care, how would you want them to be treated?  How would you feel if the gifts you worked hard to provide for them were sent back to you on the next visit?  I imagine if any one of us were separated from our children on Christmas, we’d go all out on gifts to communicate to our children how much we love them.  We’d fight for holiday visitation.  We’d do all the things that inconvenience foster parents and make them vent on social media.

If we just thought a little bit more about how love is being communicated to our foster children, these big decisions wouldn’t seem like such big decisions.  We’d make adjustments without being resentful.  Our Christmases would look different than they did before we became foster parents.  And at every turn, we’d work hard to put ourselves in their shoes.