My Story Monday is a series sharing the anonymous journeys of foster parents across the country.  I’ve been very excited about this series as a way to demystify what it is to be a foster parent and to make our world a little smaller with the knowledge that other people are experiencing similar struggles.  This story comes in a slightly different format than the typical My Story Monday, but it shares a message we can all relate to: the constant push and pull of our emotions in two separate directions.

My Story Monday: Our Undoing

My husband and I became foster parents a few months ago to three little ones. We went from not having any children to becoming parents of three overnight, and it’s been a whirlwind.  As I am processing through this new chapter, I thought I’d share something for those who are in the same boat as us, those who have a recent placement, or those who are waiting for their first placement.

These past few months have aged me.  It’s hard to describe.  What’s harder still is trying to process that I am two things and feel two things all the time now.

-I am a mother; I am not the mother.
-I root for birth mom/reunification; I long to keep these little ones.
-I feel an indescribable fullness; I am haunted by probable loss.
-I feel a mother’s joy AND an imposter’s sorrow.
-I am a giver, yet I feel a thief.
-These little ones are mine; these little ones are hers.
-My heart aches for her; my heart breaks for me.

It can undo a person… or rather it is undoing me, but I hold onto Hope as an anchor for my soul.  The hope that comes from intimately knowing Jesus Christ as the father who desperately loves and pursues each of His children… including her… including me.

We already share so much, she and I, but somehow knowing that we share the same Abba Father brings such peace to my chaos.

My Savior, may your good and perfect will be done.  May your praise ever be on my lips.  May your love be in everything I do or speak.  You are good, always.  My heart, mind, and soul, knows this well.  Selah.

Guest Written by Sunny Lampert

If you’re a foster parent, please consider sharing your story anonymously to help encourage others in their journey.  You can email Still Orphans at stillorphans@gmail.com.