Stepping into the Dark Space of Uncertainty

Below is a beautiful account by Stacey Gagnon on the adoption of her son:

It was a moment snapped in our backyard shortly after he came home from the orphanage. I remember him sitting with his face tipped to the sun; a boy who had spent over 4 years locked away in the shadows of an orphanage. I remember feeling a bit weepy, as I was weighed down by a fear that still sat in my gut like a rock. The fear of raising a boy that may never be able to hold a conversation, hold a pencil, or hold my love. The absolute, heart sinking fear that I had made a choice that was not safe and would ruin my life. This moment felt raw and painful and absolutely scary. I did not care that it also felt selfish.

In our life, there have been places that Darren and I have stepped that are chaotic and not safe. Choices we have made that at the time were considered unwise and unpopular. In these moments we felt confusion and struggle, we begged God to answer our prayers and make His will known. We wanted Him to be clear and vocal, a holy billboard in the sky surrounded by thunderclaps and bright lights.

Instead, we looked out and saw the world of foster care that was chaotic and broken and so overwhelmingly sad. We saw the orphanages and institutions, filled with the silent, the unwanted and the outcast. And when we looked back, we saw the security and safety of the life we were already living. We knew that we could step over the ledge into a dark space and it was not safe, or we could step back and sit where it was indeed quite safe.

CS Lewis says – “Holy places are dark places. It is life and strength, not knowledge and words, that we get in them. Holy wisdom is not clear and thin like water, but thick and dark like blood.”

Sacrificing our understanding and stepping into dark spaces is where thick religion lies. Our lives are in the blood…the sacrifice. It’s a confounding principle to live a life opposite of what feels like life. I work in the medical field and it does not make sense that shed blood brings life. Just as it does not make sense to step across the ocean and throw financial security to the wind, to adopt one child or sign up to do foster care knowing your heart will be crushed. We want control and beauty and to make sense of our world. We want safety.

God is not safe, but I know God is good.

I am posting this picture as a whisper of thick religion. Are you standing on the ledge and waiting to see the billboard from God? I encourage you to step into the dark space of uncertainty and fling your arms wide. Do not let the world drown out the cry of the orphan. Do not let worldly knowledge drown out holy wisdom.